Following are some of the key steps we took to strengthen our relationship and evaluate one another’s suitability for marriage. More tools are available on David’s public (non-password protected website, at teten.com/marriage .
- We surfed many sites with advice on marriage and relationships. We particularly recommend Aish’s site, MarriageBuilders, and Aryeh Pamensky’s workshops.
- We each drew up a personal life mission (as discussed in Stephen Covey’s books) and compared them to make sure we were on the same wavelength—and that our missions appropriately incorporated a spouse.
- By around date #5, we had drawn up a list of all the likely areas of conflict in our marriage (the “integration risk factors”). This was a very helpful exercise.
- Starting around date #5, we went through a list of 500 pre-marriage questions in the book, Don’t You Dare Get Married Until You Read This! (Sample questions: How would you feel about an unplanned pregnancy? What would you do if I gained 50 pounds?) Fortunately, our answers were significantly in opposition for only 2 of the 500 questions.
- We found an article on the web with a scientifically proven method of falling in love. We did it, and it works!
- We made a point of putting ourselves in diverse situations: staying up until 4:30 AM walking around Manhattan (so we could get grumpy and groggy and simulate waking up for a screaming baby); taking care of our friends’ children; going to very religious and very non-religious environments; and so on. This way we could evaluate how the other person behaved under widely varying situations.
- We jointly negotiated a contract for marriage, based on the book “Marriage Vows 2000”, below.
- Lastly, we read numerous books together. We particularly recommend the books listed at teten.com/marriage , and Wedded Strangers: The Challenges of Russian-American Marriages.
